Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
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Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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