i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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