you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
