I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
