You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
