i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
