cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
