it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
