I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
