Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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