Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
