i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
