I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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