Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
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I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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