Someone shit on the floor
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
