the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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