Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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