Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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