the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
