Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
