Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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