you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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