well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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