Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
