we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
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