God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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