I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
