yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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