Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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