90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
