His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
