I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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