Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
