I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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