the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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