WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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