so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
