I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
