The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
