I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
