She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
