My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
