textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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