I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
