Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
