if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
