And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
