I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
