There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
