you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
