kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
