the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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