I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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